Nervous

Nervous… the feeling you get before a big test, giving a speech, being the host of an important party, going to a job interview, visiting friends… Visiting friends? Sadly, yes.
A visit to some friends’ house can indeed be very enjoyable, giving and entertaining.
But for me, it is something to just get over with.

I dread it long before we go and when we arrive I’m already calculating when I can leave again without being rude. I may have a good time there, but I don’t feel calm, relaxed and comfortable like you really ought to when you’re with friends.

Before leaving to visit some friends I may feel sick, which of course, only adds to the stress and dread of going. What if I’m still sick when we get there? I don’t want that kind of attention, you don’t go to other peoples home and be a bother! Maybe I should just stay home… Oh, what kind of a friend am I! I have to go, I don’t have a choice.

These thoughts and physical symptoms are not only occurring before visiting friends. They may occur before (and during) many events. Usually events involving other people and/or are situations I can’t easily get out of.

It’s not that I mind other people; I just wish I could be invisible among them.
I am afraid, but of what? I’m not sure, mostly of negative attention I think.

I remember one time we went to the Netherlands to visit my in-laws; they wanted us to come to church with them on Sunday. I had just had a cold and was in the stage where many people get tickly cough. The kind of dry, irritating cough that just won’t stop when it’s started. It will usually bring tears to your eyes, even before it starts, and the worst – it always happens when it’s most inconvenient.

Of course it happened to me inside the church, shortly after the service had started. Despite my stash of bonbons to keep me from coughing, it had to happen. I scrambled through the row of people and towards the door – to find it locked. Pulled on it a few times. It felt like forever and I knew people were watching me, but finally someone came to my help and showed me another door that was unlocked.
I stood outside with tears in my eyes, partly from the cough and part from being so embarrassed. It stopped and went back inside, only to have it begin again right after I had sat down. Again I rushed out, remembering to use the unlocked door this time. I found my way to the car where I spent the rest of the service. Ashamed of how rude I had been to cough and rush out of the church twice! And then to stay out, despite my in-laws wishes of us joining them. We had even been mentioned and welcome by the minister, because we had from so far away. The shame!

I know many would just shrug something like this off, some might even be a little embarrassed, but to me it was horrible and I was more than relieved that we were heading back home that day.





I get through the days without much trouble. I just try to avoid the troubling situations. I don’t visit friends much, I don’t invite people over much either and I try to keep my mind of things that may lead to too much worry and nervousness.

Unfortunately life consists of so many things that are possible to worry about. A phone for example is often used to deliver bad news. The mailbox is usually full of bills and invoices. Money is a huge issue if you, like me, worry about any possible thing you can worry about. I’m not quick to disagree when someone makes the statement that money is the root of all evil!
The sound of a car outside the house, when I don’t expect anyone can be very frightening.


Having me as a passenger in a car can be quite a ride, I’ll often say things like “Watch that woman!, “Look out for the dog!”, “It’s red!”. I don’t do it because I don’t trust the driver, but because I get images of bad things happening. I can see the woman tumbling across the engine hood, blood and her face twisted in pain. I can hear the sound of the brakes and the cry of the dog. I can almost feel the impact as our car slam into another in the intersection. I don’t mean to be rude… I really don’t.


As much as I wish to sometimes, I cannot lock myself in the house, bolt the doors and windows and unplug the phone. I refuse to live like that. I have to visit friends, I have to accept visits, I have to have a phone (That’s plugged in and able to actually ring!), I have to go to the theater, the beach, the mall, a festival, a market and things like that. But I’m not so sure for who I do those things? For me or for the people around me. I think it’s mostly the latter. I expose myself to situations where I feel uncomfortable again and again, I do things despite how I really feel about it, I try to live up to what people expect me to do.
But of course, I know, it isn’t just for others, it’s for me too. I know if I allowed myself to avoid every situation I find threatening, they would only get more and more threatening and the list of worries would grow.

I have learned that nervousness and worry are two things that are somewhat controllable – and not by avoiding things that cause them, but by doing the opposite, by facing them.

I live with the worry, I live with the nervousness and as a result I get tired, very tired, I get moody and my health isn’t as good as I could desire it to be.

I still push people away, I rarely go on visits and I still avoid “bad” situations, I have too if I don’t want to pass out from exhaustion. I only hope I don’t do it enough for the nervousness and worry to escalate.

The only positive thing I can think of right now is that I get to know who my real friends are…