I am so sorry

There's a knot in my stomach, a knot of emotions and worries, it's been there since I was a child, sometimes it bothers me alot, sometimes I don't feel it at all.

Now is one of the times where I feel it all the time.
It's cocktail of different emotions, but the two major ingredients are worry and guilt, particularly the latter.

Let me tell you what guilt is, guilt is not forgetting to pay a bill, guilt is not forgetting someones birthday or not going to the wedding of a really good friend. It isn't even the feeling you get when you've called someone something nasty and then regret it, but they are still upset.

The true guilt, in it's purest form, is when you have hurt someone so badly that it is going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

I think I may have done just that to my best friend. Shattered his hopes and his dreams. Even his faith.

I pray to the God that he used to pray to. That things will improve for him, and quick.
It's eating me up from the inside, that I have caused so much anger and so much hurt in a person I care so much for.
He says he is still my friend, but as grateful as I am to be allowed to still call myself his friend, I fear that my presence reminds him of those shattered dreams.

I desperately hope that someday he will be able to look back and think that it wasn't so bad that things happened the way they did. That some day he might even say it was a good thing.

Not untill the day I know he is truly happy and with new hopes and dreams that are all coming true for him, not untill that day will I be able to leave the guilt behind.


How do you help someone that's feeling hurt and angry, get better, when you're the cause of all the misery? I really don't know. I try to not let the guilt get in the way of my attempts at helping... Feels like all I have right now is hope and the faith in God.

I look forward to the time where we can both enjoy a good time, together or alone. For my part without the nagging feeling of guilt. Even guilt over being happy...
How can you be happy when you've caused your best friend to be miserable?


I am so sorry...