The ultimate test

Yesterday I woke up feeling out of it, the feeling slowly increased throughout the day. The drowsiness, the nausea and the cramps, that I have been going through for a while, of course did nothing else than to add to this low feeling.
Today, I fear, will be the same way. I can't seem to find beauty in anything. I'm tempted to go downstairs, put on a pair of shoes, march out on the field and throw rocks at the tractor till the farmer gets out of it, then I feel like cussing the poor guy out.

I've lulled myself into a somewhat steady rythm, that I feel I can live with, or survive with rather. The problem is the rest of the world does not agree. I need to do this and I need to do that. I guess I can see the truth in "You gotta get out of this house once in a while" and "You need to work" and "You need to more independant". All meant well, but I feel like I'm the mole being chased out with smoke. Big fat choking smoke!

So, after a complete meltdown this weekend and a long discussion with my SO, I ended up telling him that I want to run away. Far away. Preferably US. But that, since I'm unskilled, I can't even get a friggin Au Pair job. And God knows, I love kids, I'd sacrifice my life to save a child.

But anyway, I can go to the US for upto 90 days as a tourist. I wonder if I could get a job at McDonalds or something...

He likes the idea actually, he says it would be great for me to become more independant. I guess you could say, I took the advices to the extremes if I manage to actually find work in the US.
I know that even if I stayed longer than expected, he would choose his job rather than me - what a horrible thought that is.
I was never a big fan of intentionally putting your relationship to the test, but I think we need it.

I was talking briefly with a friend earlier today about it and I said "I guess, it would be the ultimate test of our love" and he said "No, the only thing that would do for sure, is break your love"
If he's right, then what does our love mean? If it can't last that.

I don't even know if it will work out that way, but I wish, I really wish I had options for a job in the US.

Whatever happens, I will come to the US. Soon. At least as a tourist.